I am back :)
lots of things changed and it is time to chronicle them
Last night I had an hour of almost nothing to do and all what I had to think of was what happened in those very particular two days. What happened wasn’t just a straw that broke the camel’s back. What happened was deep and I just can’t get past it.
I act as if I am past it; I act as if it is ok for him not to apologize. I act as if it is ok for him to feel pissed and then act that everything is ok. I act as if nothing ever happened but the truth is I am deeply hurt. I am waiting for an apology and I want him to think of how to make it up for me.
I can’t get past it for he blew off his plans with me at the 1st sign of her. And it isn’t his very 1st time to blow me off for someone else. For 2nd he said he won’t go out with her alone and challenged my opinion and topped it with suggesting the girl is holier than going out with a guy alone, hinting I must not be as holy.
For 3rd, he kept on his plans to meet her though he clearly stated that he won’t and he’s ready to get back to his plans with me.
For 4th, he ignored me completely. He didn’t look at me, he didn’t talk to me. He only talked when she talked; he acted as if I wasn’t even there. And when I tried to talk he washed me off.
For 5th, he simplified the fight to be a fight because of my jealousy. Though I kept saying it isn’t just jealousy it is that I don’t like his attitude.
For 6th, he woke up one day deciding that the problem is that I want a relationship in the time he wants friendship and that needs to be resolved. With all the offense such a phrase holds.
For 7th, he reasoned ignoring me that he wasn’t comfort with how I dressed and that he had to not to look to me to avoid to stare. This is humiliating, as he suggested I was almost naked. Again, the not so holy me!
For 8th, he is refusing to apologize in the time I did. I apologized for saying or doing anything that might have hurt him though I was the one who was wronged. I made it clear that I was wronged and that I want an apology and he simply ignored me.
I just can’t get pass it. And I am in no shape to talk it through again because I know talking this through would lead to nothing but more hurt.
God! What I have done to myself!
Maybe I didn’t do enough, maybe I should have invested some more. But the thing is I have done my best. I gave all what I have.
Is that destiny? To always have less that what it takes?
So, this is one thing that I don’t think I will even be able to say.
The other women he knows and calls friends makes me feel like I am naked in a line up.
I am exposed, humilated and dumped.
I made it clear in many occasions that I don’t like him knowing as much women. He keeps calling them friends and he keeps choosing them over me.
I am exposed, humilated and dumped!
Keep Doing What You Always Do and You Will Get What You Always Get!
There is nowhere to go. I can’t get myself to try. I can’t see the virtue in starting over. It hurts somewhere deep. I don’t know exactly what hurts. But every time I try to think I feel something crushing my soul so viciously. The pain keeps me off thinking. And when I stop thinking I start to suffocate. So I grasp for an idea that’s when the pain starts again.
I am dead either way.